


The Melancholy of Han Jisung

by woojinshands (woojinsthighs)



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: (idk abt the fluff part), Angst, Emotional Numbness, Fluff and Angst, Han Jisung | Han-centric, Mental Health Issues, Platonic Relationships, Self-Harm, im sorry, lowercase is intentional, this is lowkey a rant/projection fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-08-25 21:00:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16668211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woojinsthighs/pseuds/woojinshands
Summary: Jisung is the group's resident mood maker, their happy pill, their sunshine. And he was fine with that, he loved giving other people the only thing he cannot give himself.or:Jisung is sad, he thinks.





	1. intro

he was a boy with a smile on his mouth and galaxies in his eyes,

but where his soul once was, only lies a cave. empty, and daunting. 

no one would attempt to go in there, not even jisung himself.

 


	2. The Eyes are the Windows to the Soul

jisung was always smiling. if you had ever met jisung, the first thing you noticed was that the boy was always smiling.

the second thing you noticed, was that he was very affectionate. whether it be verbally, or physically. he would hug those that he loved, and maybe even peck them on the cheek if he was feeling particularly playful. he also loved to compliment people, whether it just be 'your hair looks really nice today!' or even a long rant about how wonderful said person is.

another thing you notice about the boy is that he was an amazing actor. whether he's just playing around with the boys, or taking it seriously, he could always make people  _feel_ what he was trying to potray. 

and the last thing one may notice, is his eyes. they were stunning, absolutely gorgeous. they could make him seem innocent, or carry a mischievous spark, or even alight with fury. he could convey the world through his eyes, but he didn't know that.

which is why he let his pain show through his eyes, though it wasn't a conscious choice, he did nothing to hide it. when the boys started asking him 'how he was feeling,' more and more often, he caught on.

jisung wasn't as naïve as people liked to think, but he used that to his advantage. he knew the boys looked at him sadly when he declined yet another group hangout. he knew they were angry (not at him, never at him) when he only stared at the food on his plate and said he 'wasn't hungry.'

he pretended not to notice the looks of pity when he just froze, or when he suddenly stopped talking mid sentence, or locked himself up in his room or the studio. he pretended not to see the concerned glances when he just couldn't get out of bed, or when he triedbto hide his shaking hands, or when he couldn't sleep.

he tried not to let them see how bad it hurt him to keep everything to himself, because he knew they wouldn't be able to handle it if he told them everything. he tried not to look in the mirror and remember that the spark in his eye had extinguished, or that the lines on his wrists and thighs just made them look fatter.

he kept everything inside for so long, that he no longer had anything to keep inside. his mind was as empty as his heart, as his eyes, as his very soul.

but the thing is, jisung had book smarts, not emotional smarts. he knew how to deal with his homework and his classes, but he didn't know how to deal with a crush or someone who was crying. 

this is the story of a boy who didn't know how to feel, yet felt the world, and showed just that.

this, is the melancholy of han jisung.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ksjsksndj this is lowkey all over the place but its basically a rant fic so i hope you guys didn't expect anything 'put together'  
> oof im not exactly happy with this (i don't even know where i was going with this) but i wanted to get smth out so !!


	3. We Miss Things We don't Always Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> am in an Angsty mood so here's This

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> read the tags for warnings!!

jisung was fine. he knew everyone said 'those who say they're fine never are', in fact his old therapist used to say fine stood for something... though he didn't remember anymore. 

he didn't feel bad, or sad, or anything, really. he was fine.

he itched. his ankle itched. so he scratched it. he scratched it till it bled, but he didn't care. in fact, he liked it. it wasn't as satisfying as a blade but god it felt good. he knew he was fucked up, but he couldn't bring himself to care.

jisung knew he should stop. should try to get better. but he lacked the motivation to even write, how could he try to get better?

even though jisung had scratched his poor ankle to hell and back, he still craved the blade. on his wrists, on his thighs, anywhere. his hyungs didn't know be self harmed, and he planned to keep it that way, so he usually stuck with his thighs, but the scars seem to heal slower and slower each time.

he decided he's risk it.

when he was sure all his members were either asleep or confined to their rooms, he snuck to the bathroom. he dug through all the boys stuff in the cabinet under the sink till he found a tin earring container, which obviously didn't hold earrings. 

he opened the container and pulled out a blade, along with some disinfectant and a bandaid.

he inhaled as he lined the blade up with his wrist, and exhaled when he started to see red. he didn't cry, not anymore.

he did it again.

and again.

and again.

and again.

five lines on his wrist. he cleaned disinfected them with little care, as long as they didn't get infected, he didn't care.

they still fit perfectly under the bandaid, though he knew a bandaid on his wrist woukd be suspicious, so he put a sweat band on, and his hoodie on over it.

he felt good. better than he had been recently. he missed this.

he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i may make it seem like cutting is good and nice but its not. please, don't ever do it.

**Author's Note:**

> coming soon


End file.
